The idea for this post came to me today after I had a conversation with my friends about sex and more specifically, revoking consent.

There was a tweet by New vision talking about a new law that could ‘bite’ husbands if they refused to stop in the middle of sex after they had been asked to. I failed to find a corresponding news article but they were probably talking about the sexual offences bill.

Needless to say the comments were a mess. Clearly, Ugandan men, and tragically, women don’t understand consent.
Some said it would break families and cause infidelity, that the law is a western concept. On Sanyu FM, when the issue was discussed on the morning show, the male presenter said men would now have to secretly record their sexual encounters so that they could have proof that she said didn’t say no. He also implied that the women were being selfish by asking to stop after they climaxed yet the man hadn’t. (Bold of him to assume most women who have sex with men are actually having orgasms, but that’s a topic for another day)

I’ll just get right to it, if you have sex with someone without their Consent it is rape. Consent should be enthusiastic and explicit, not coerced, it should be informed and conscious. It should be continuing, and it is revocable. Consent needs to be constantly renegotiated. Just because you agree to marry someone doesn’t mean you have given blanket consent to any and everything at anytime; just because you had sex with someone yesterday doesn’t mean they automatically consent to sex with you today.

These rules apply to everyone regardless of their gender. You may consent to a blowjob, but not penetrative sex. You may consent to penetrative sex, but not to have the encounter recorded. For those in doubt, these rules apply to sex-workers as well. They may agree to have sex but on the condition that the client wears a condom, if the client stealthily removes the condom, it is rape. Because that is not the sex they consented to. If you subsequently refuse to pay the sex-worker, you have raped them, (those “it’s theft” jokes aren’t slick, they’re dehumanising and shallow) because the only reason they agreed to have sex was on the condition that they would receive payment afterwards.

You have a right to revoke your consent in the middle of sex. It could be because it hurts, because it’s boring, because it brings back traumatic memories, because you’re no longer turned on or because you want some food more than you want sex. The only thing that matters is that you want it to stop. Sure, it may be disappointing to your partner, but they won’t die and if they truly care about you, they will be concerned about your well-being.

Let’s move away from sex because some people’s brains get cloudy and they fail to reason well. You may agree to lend someone some money. You’re allowed later not to lend them that money. It could be because you heard from someone that they are the type who make you plead for your own money when it’s time to pay back, or it could be because you have an emergency. You could hear them say something distasteful about someone you love, you may develop a craving for expensive food. What remains is that it is your money and you have a right not to give it. They may be disappointed, even angry but they can’t make you give them the money, atleast, they shouldn’t.

This example is in honour of parte after parte. You and your friends may agree to go for Enjoyments and you may be excited and looking forward to it, that is, until the day comes and you no longer want to go. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but we have all been in this position. Maybe you took a pre-turnup nap and it has even started raining and your bed is just so sweet, maybe you develop cramps (the type which need you to sit on the toilet for 30 minutes) or the person you have been clowning for finally agrees to hang out with you or maybe something happens which ruins your mood and kills the hype. You have the right to not go. If your friends insist and you actually go and end up having fun that’s great, but sometimes they do and you end up hating the night, your resentment building every minute that goes by.

It’s concerning that some people are comfortable with having sex with a person who doesn’t want to be having sex with them. Look beyond yourself and your interests, there are worse things than interrupted coitus, you will live. And with the way the world is gloriously progressing, do you really want to risk it? It may not hurt you now, but it may come to bite you ten years from now when societal attitudes will have changed and you alone will have ruined your own life over 20 more seconds of underwhelming thrusts. Mwebereremu.