“Visualize the amount of gay people that you think you might know (but not know, you know?) and triple that number. A lot more of the people you interact with are not heterosexual.”

So apparently (legally, I guess?) to call yourself a writer you have to actually write. But I have not created anything in about 4 months and at this point I’m not sure I still can. So I’m going to do the easy thing and write about something I’ve recently spoken about; heteronormativity. (Yes, shameless self-plug. Check out Queer Talk Africa podcast wherever you get your podcasts). Ayt, here we go.

Heteronormativity is basically the idea that the heterosexual and cisgender is the norm and should be the default, and that anything that exists outside of it is not supposed to. It relies on a gender binary which is the idea that there are only two seemingly opposing and completely separate genders, this is reinforced and upheld by rigid gender roles.

A lot of you who are reading this probably subscribe to heteronormativity, I can’t even blame you because who hasn’t been socialized into this? We all have. But a large part of growing up in my personal experience, has been questioning the things that I have been taught to be true, unlearning what I find wanting and re-learning almost everything from scratch. And that’s not always easy. So I’m writing this to help you take that first step towards unravelling that mess because we all have to start somewhere.

Why? Because it is constraining. You know that feeling when you’re trying to take off a cloth and it gets stuck around your head and for a moment you start to panic. Yeah, heteronormativity is that cloth, your awkward elbows, and your friend who doesn’t come fast enough to free you. It’s a system out of which violence and discrimination against LGBTQI+ individuals is borne, because it views us as abnormal.

That’s why someone heterosexual is “straight” and the rest of us are “not straight.” It’s why the police arrest trans women on charges of personation when they exercise their gender expression. Why a school will expel a student for their real or perceived sexual orientation. Why a mob will feel justified in beating a queer refugee to death. Why a start-up newspaper would print the photos and home addresses of alleged homosexuals on their front page, captioning it ‘hang them’. Why some people feel comfortable announcing their eager anticipation to beat their non-existent children should they turn out anything but heterosexual. The message is; you are not normal and therefore you should not exist in this space.

Around April, when lockdown had just begun, someone mentioned in a WhatsApp group how they had discovered that their neighbour was gay. And that they had given them an ultimatum to leave the apartment complex they were living in once the lockdown was lifted. Uncle wasn’t even the landlord, he was a fellow tenant! I guess this is that thing shy homophobes who don’t want to be called homophobes say. “I don’t mind gay people as long as they stay far away from me.” Abeg. And we go where? Best believe we also aren’t enjoying living with you, and if we had the option to exist in only queer spaces and communities, we would. But we are stuck with each other.

Recently an LGBT+ shelter in Nsangi was raided after the residents complained to the mayor of the area about their gender expression, they were arrested and accused of “a negligent act likely to spread disease.” The charges were later dropped after six weeks in jail with no access to their lawyers. Even when we create spaces for each other, you won’t let us live in peace. You like to say “if you want to participate in those ‘habits’ then you will have to leave the country.” And a lot of us do, because as I said, living with you is not exactly sunshine. But a lot more of us are unable to, and many of us don’t want to leave. Your ndagamuntu is not better than mine, I’m just as Ugandan as you are, and I don’t want to go anywhere, this is my country. So now what? Because things can’t continue as they are. Tukooye.

Now, we unravel that pesky heteronormativity. The first step is to stop assuming that everyone is heterosexual and cisgender, because they aren’t. I know this is an uncomfortable thought for most Ugandans, our society likes to pretend that LGBTQI+ individuals don’t exist. And that those who do are evil sinister shadowed creatures waiting to tear down our culture, corrupt the children and destroy the sanctity of marriage. And to be honest, the propaganda supporting that school of thought is strong. It’s reinforced by the media, the church, cultural institutions and the education system. I believed it for a long time, even when I knew deep down that I was one of them, how much easier is it for you to swallow it all, hook, line and sinker. You have no reason not to, plus it satisfies that human tendency we seem to all have to create an unworthy, less-deserving of life, other.

For the gays out there I know that it is a safety precaution. That’s how I move in the world too, tbh. Especially romantically, assume she’s straight unless proven otherwise. To protect my heart and you know, my life. But more recently I have come to discover that there are a lot more gay people around me than I had initially anticipated. And to think there was a time in my life when I thought I’d be alone forever. And now here I am stumbling onto other queers accidentally. Whew. What a time to be alive! So for the straight people out there reading this. Visualize the amount of gay people that you think you might know (but not know, you know?) and triple that number. A lot more of the people you interact with are not heterosexual. Before you argue with that, ask yourself; if I were a gay Ugandan, would I be comfortable with revealing that info to anyone, let alone the person that I am now? There is your answer.

Heteronormativity is reinforced by media and television, and any efforts to challenge that, for example, depiction of homosexual relationships on television, are met with strong opposition. Recently I found the Downton Abbey movie on T.V and decided to re-watch it, it was going well until we reached the scenes which I was most looking forward to, involving Thomas, the gay butler. They had been erased, these scenes involved dancing at an underground gay club and at their raunchiest, kissing between two men. This is nothing new, sometimes video store owners in Uganda will take it upon themselves to edit out the gay scenes from a show. It is funny (not), because they usually have no qualms about showing full-blown sex provided that it’s between a man and a woman.

Apparently, the gays are forcing their agenda down your throats. You know this conversation, have probably said these things.‘They’re trying to make these things normal now’ ‘they’re now shoving it down our throats’ ‘why must every series these days have a gay character?’ And granted, sometimes the queer character’s only trait is that they’re queer, but that’s a conversation about creating multi-dimensional LGBTQI+ characters which we won’t have today. Because even the best written, most multi-dimensional, queer characters are met with the same old song. And I am tired of this song, because there is no agenda stronger than the heteronormative one. If anyone is shoving anything it’s the straights. In music, television, billboards, art, writing, and even adverts about cars. We are bombarded and surrounded by heterosexuals telling us how heterosexual they are and how much they want to exercise that heterosexuality, often in the form of lewd acts which I won’t mention here. Don’t get me started on the aggressive misinformation campaigns aimed at demonizing homosexuality. (I will tackle this another day) As I said, the agenda is strong. The reality is that LGBTQI+ people exist all around you, and we didn’t just arrive, we have always have been here; we’re teachers, taxi conductors, doctors, choir leaders, politicians, farmers and lawyers, and our inclusion in television is only a small step towards a more accurate representation of the world we live in, whether you like it or not.

If you’re worried that your child will become homosexual by seeing queer people on television, then maybe that child was not heterosexual to begin with, which begs the question, how fragile is heterosexuality that seeing a few people of the same sex kiss each other is enough to shatter it? Growing up I can’t even begin to count the number of kisses and more, mind you, between a man and a woman that I saw and still continue to see. And yet here I am. Still a raging musiyazi. So what’s the truth? Maybe as a queer child if I had watched some television with queer characters it would have saved me years of confusion. Is media heavily and unnecessarily sexualized so much so as to be inappropriate for children? Yes. Are we being dishonest about LGBTQI+ representation in TV? Also yes. Two things can be true at the same time.

More importantly, if you have a problem with having a queer child, maybe don’t have children, because it is a very probable likelihood. And what you are going to do is inflict a lifetime of trauma on a person who did not ask to be brought to this world in the first place.

It is important that you examine your belief that to be queer is inherently wrong. Because at the base of all this hysteria is the fear that if children see queer representation, then more of them will be queer. And let’s ignore the inaccuracy of that thought process for a second and go on ahead; so what? So what if there are more queer people? What do you think is going to happen? Do you think we will gain control of the legislative process and together with a queer controlled executive, oversee state sanctioned violence and discrimination against heterosexual individuals to force them into homosexuality? Do you think we will treat you the way you have treated us? I intended to leave that question open-ended but I can’t risk it, the homophobia runs deep in these streets, you may take it as an accidental revelation of the ‘oh so sinister gay agenda’. So I’ll tell you now, the gay agenda is that we want to just live our lives in peace without your constant harassment. We’re tired of your obsession with us, being the talk of your dinner table debates and conversation starters. It’s exhausting. Just leave us alone.

Another way that heteronormativity shows up is when I get asked, ‘so who is the man and who is the woman in your relationship?’ Every queer person has been asked this question or will be at a certain point in their life. I’m now here to tell you, don’t be that person, when you feel that thought rising up through your mind and rushing to slip out through your lips, do all of us, you included, a favour and smother it with a pillow.
What you’re asking is who plays what gender roles? Who is the provider? Who cooks and cleans? Some of you are even asking, who is on top in the bedroom when the lights are off and you’re doing the nasties. You’re asking who submits to the other. Innit? (Can’t wait to discuss submission one of these days)

I need to emphasize, in no uncertain terms, that IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, DAMN. But just this once, for the purposes of “education” I will answer. There is no man in the relationship. That’s sort of the point ?!?!?! of dating a woman. Queerness is an instant subversion of gender roles, why would we carry that heavy outdated baggage into our relationships? That’s not to say that there aren’t queer relationships that fit within the heteronormative model. My first few relationships did, but the further along I went, I realized that I didn’t have to do that, and that it’s more fun when you stop trying to have the same relationships that heterosexual people typically have. So for those of us who do, I think it’s important to examine whether it’s because it’s what works for you, or if you feel the need to fit yourself within that box because it’s what you know and what you see around you.

“I don’t care if someone is gay as long as they don’t hit on me.” Look, I appreciate being vibed as much as the next person. What is not fun, is after I say no and they insist. That is harassment, and I won’t get into that, because that’s not what we’re talking about. We are talking about people who threaten violence against gays who dare to hit on them, this usually comes from heterosexual men.

Somehow that logic doesn’t apply when men are hitting on women who aren’t attracted to them, let alone lesbians. If a lesbian caused a scene everytime a man threw vibes where would we be? Here is the thing. Not everyone is heterosexual, people of the same sex will find you attractive and approach you. If you’re not interested say no and move along. Like the rest of us do. And when you say you like lesbians but you would punch a gay man for looking in your direction, your hypocrisy is showing.

I know it’s because you think that they are sexy and they will give you a threesome. Which honestly doesn’t make any sense to me because basic comprehension should let you know that there is no scenario where a man is more unwelcome than between lesbians. But heteronormativity will have you think that there can’t possibly be a woman out there who doesn’t want a man. Fetishization is not the same as acceptance. So if you have decided to hate gay men, be consistent, hate all of us.

Once you become aware of heteronormativity, you will start to notice it everywhere and see it influence how we live our lives. This is only a small part of it. I have yet to address gender roles. I intend to in my next post. I hope this will be the spark that ignites the fire that burns the establishment to the ground. But I’m perfectly okay with it just being that thing that cases you to challenge the ideals which you have unconsciously internalized and been socialized to hold.